hegemon: (Ben Barnes >> Come what may)
( Aug. 7th, 2011 11:01 pm)
The thing is, I can't make you love me if you don't.
hegemon: (Default)
( Jun. 2nd, 2011 10:43 pm)
Ahhhhhhhhh life. I regret bringing anything up at all. It's a discussion I can't finish and I can't really shake the feeling I've just fucked everything up, that it would have been better to not say anything at all. I feel like this is a common theme, you know? They bring something up and I console them. I bring something up and not only is it stupid and illegitimate, but I end up apologizing, it's somehow my fault, I don't deserve the same kind of response I give.

Maybe it would have made me bitter, but at least I would have had something instead of nothing and lol look at me, writing into an empty journal, once again. It's been two years since the last time I did this and felt this way and I thought the promise we made was that I would never feel this way again.

I don't really know what I do to get to this place, time and time again, but if it isn't them, then it's me.

Only I'm tired of blaming me. I wish, for once, someone else would blame themselves and someone else would be the first to apologize.

Que sera sera.
hegemon: (Default)
( Jun. 2nd, 2011 01:07 am)
this is the absolute last time i open my heart up to someone.
hegemon: (Ben Barnes >> Come what may)
( Sep. 20th, 2009 01:28 am)
It never seems to go anywhere. Or end.

I'm just so tired of feeling and fighting for what never seems to be there.
hegemon: (America Ferrera >> Let me show you)
( Sep. 11th, 2009 12:34 am)
I don't know what happened, but I feel numb toward us.

When we weren't looking, everything changed.

I think I want to reverse it, but at the moment, I'm, well. Not sure.

I never knew time away was so damaging, but we might be damaged beyond repair now.

Ouch.
hegemon: (Ben Barnes >> Come what may)
( Aug. 18th, 2009 11:00 pm)
Every time we talk, I feel another piece of my heart break.

I'm so tired of needing and falling and breaking and everything's falling apart and people are trying to glue things back together but nothing's working and I can't take much more of this.

You're the only one who can, but you're the only one who won't.

And I can't even blame you for it and all the while I'm breaking.

I feel like a drug addict and I can't break away because I'm not happy without it but I'm miserable with the little I have and I just feel like vomiting all the fucking time.
hegemon: (Ben Barnes >> Come what may)
( Aug. 13th, 2009 11:55 pm)
And sometimes there's nothing you can do as you watch the person you care about the most change into someone completely unrecognizable. And even if they insist that this is what they want and nothing will change except for the better, you can't really trust that. You can never really trust that.

So you close yourself up, little by little, and wait for it all to end.

And it's the worst feeling in the world.
hegemon: (Ben Barnes >> Come what may)
( Jun. 28th, 2009 02:53 am)
"Dreaming Out Loud" [ One Republic ]

Well hello sir, we look for monday,
Confident we'll get there someday,
Pushing all the papers to a wealthy man,
Might I say, a beautiful tie you wear,
And how do you find such lovely polka dots and stripes these days?

Break all my thoughts hit the floor,
Like I'm makin the score,
I'm the king of the world,
I'm a popular man
Count by zero's to ten,
If you cant, well i can,
Don't let any one wake me

I'm dreamin out loud,
Dreamin out loud,
And all at once its so familiar to see,
I'm dreamin out loud,
Dreamin out loud,
Can't find a puzzle to fit into piece of apart of me

Curtain calls a sanctuary,
Actors in the cloth, they freak me out,
Mockin my purpose, in the magazines,
Famous how they make you feel grand,
They're always there to hold your hand,
In times of trouble, they're best of friends

Break all my thoughts hit the floor,
Like I'm makin the score,
I'm the king of the world,
I'm a popular man
Count by zero's to ten,
If you can't, well i can,
Don't let any one wake me

I'm dreamin out loud,
Dreamin out loud,
And all at once its so familiar to see,
I'm dreamin out loud,
Dreamin out loud,
Cant find a puzzle to fit into piece apart of me

They don't care what you say
They don't care what you think
All they care, what you do,
Long as your of beat,
Take a look at yourself

Storm tries to come and wreck my world,
No i won't let it
Stumble to escape, through anchored drapes, made of bedding

I'm dreamin out loud,
Dreamin out loud,
And all at once its so familiar to see,
I'm dreamin out loud,
Dreamin out loud,
Cant find a puzzle to fit into piece of apart of me

Well hello sir we look for Mondays


I kind of like having the option to post what I want and say what I feel without worrying about who's reading it. Unlike my secret LJ, this one is open and anyone has the option of reading it, but they don't have to. And probably will never remember to.

That's refreshing in the sense, but maybe I'm in a strange mood.

It's strange how poetically depressing feeling empowered can be. Because while you can feel so empowered, you wonder how you'll ever get there; to grasp the world in your hands. And you realize that's because you probably never will but you want to try anyway.

But then, maybe I'm too ambitious.

I'm tired of being here. Of staying in this one place for so long. I'm itching to be out there and do things and it's almost painful how much I want to stop stagnating here. RP and the Internet only go so far before they don't matter one bit anymore.

I want to matter more than that and I'm tired of chasing that without actually doing something about it. But I don't even know where to start.

All I know is that I don't want to be here anymore. Anywhere but here. But not because it's bad to be here.

More that it could be so much better elsewhere.
.

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